“I can’t believe this! What more am I supposed to do to convince her of
my love? She says I am honest, kind, loving, and all that garbage, yet she is
not sure I am the one for her. What more does she want?” My good friend
Benjamin asked. His frustration and desperation were palpable. I wanted to be
of help to my dear friend, but I had to be truthful to him too. Carefully, I
sought for a means to help him take a look at things through a different pair
of binoculars. “You asked what more you need to do to convince her of your
love?” I asked him carefully. “Yes Victor, What more?” He replied with rage. “It is not a matter of whether you love
her or not, Ben,” I replied. “She already knows that. It is more about whether
she loves you or not.” Stunned, he gaped at me as though I had just fallen off
the sky. Obviously he had not thought of that.
He had been under the impression
that if he pushed hard enough, expressing his intense love and desire towards
her, she’d eventually fall for him. The opposite was the case, and that had
left him thoroughly sapped and emotionally devastated. I often hear men ask the
same question, “What do women really want?” Not that I have figured it all out,
and quite frankly it varies from one lady to another, as well as one scenario
to another. Nonetheless, when it comes to the art of wooing a lady, some key
ingredients cannot be left out of the process if success and happiness are to
be achieved.
“Ben, I think she does not feel as much for you as you do for her. She
is not crazy about you. She knows something is missing. She does not feel the
butterflies running amok in her stomach when she sees you. Being nice, honest,
kind and all that are certainly important, but a woman wants to go gaga for
you, nonetheless. She wants to feel her heart quake like an erupting volcano
when she is around you. She wants to know that she loves you deeply, that she
could probably gasp for air without you in her life. That may sound hard, but
until she feels that way, she is unlikely to consider the other qualities about
you. Let’s face it my friend, people do crazy things for those they love, even
though sometimes observers may look on and wonder why we do those stupid things
for someone they consider seeming unworthy of our actions. It is because we
love them madly, even though they may be apparently COMMMON in the eyes of
others (not possessing some qualities most of us would desire in a mate). Until
she is insanely in love with you, nothing you do matters to her really.” “But I
am trying my best!!! I can’t force her to love me!!!” He was yelling his lungs
out. “Calm down Ben. How have you gone about trying to win her love? I have
been around you two for a while, and I can tell a few things myself. You have
literally thrown yourself at her and expect her to do the same, haven’t you?”
He stared at the ground like a child caught in the act by a reprimanding
parent.
“It was not long after the two of you met that you began to literally
breathe down her neck to be your girlfriend. You buy her gifts and take her out
on exotic dates, yet nothing has changed. You talk about the future as though
you can see how your life meshes with hers in the coming months, without
wondering if she too has come to that conclusion. You call her a lot on the
phone as though you’d die if you didn’t. That is okay, but too much of it is
not good at all, especially when she has not fully committed to the idea of the
two of you being together. You are more like a pest now than a lover. She is
tolerating you instead of enjoying being around you. She is conflicted…she
knows you have great personal qualities, so she wonders if she should really
let go of you, and at the same time she knows she wants to be madly in love
with you, and she is not. At least not yet. Charm and Charisma my friend. Charm
and Charisma are the ingredients that you have failed to throw into the pot
since you have been attempted to cook up some love for Glory. If you have to
stand any chance of arousing love and desire in her heart, you must reroute
your approach.”
“Charm and Charisma?” He asked, as though he had never heard those words
before. I nodded affirmatively to him and went on to dissect the two words as I
will do below in this write-up. It is no longer news that we all like the
mystic. We like the idea of not being ordinary (common). It then makes sense
that we desire the same in our mates, except that when we fall in love with
someone, we forget some of the rules of the game. Girls often try to play hard
to get. They don’t want to be considered ordinary, so they make us work a bit
for their love and attention. And most men like it because they crave the
mystic too (and there is nothing wrong with that). They come to cherish her
when they finally win her over. They like to take time to peel the different
layers around her away, as they come to know each other. It is part of the
thrill of love and relationship. The same applies to men; women like the idea
of sophistication and an element of mystery about their men. They want to see
how much he can handle during the chasing game. Is he going to fall flat on his
face and cave in under pressure if she does not say yes right away? Mind you
women like security, and your ability to weave a level of mystery around
yourself as a man contributes to that sense of security. To that end I
recommend the following:
Don’t ask her to be your girlfriend too quickly:
This is very difficult for most men to handle. You know when you meet
that elegant girl and something clicks between the two of you. The chemistry is
there, you can tell. Then you ask her out on a date and keep it simple and
friendly, for the time being. If the date goes well, with each passing minute
you want to tell her you love her and ask her to be your girlfriend. Sadly,
most men meet their waterloo in the form of a capital “No” or “I am not sure” if
they let impulse rule their head at this stage. Try to get to know her first.
Both of you know something is brewing, and that makes you want to go straight
to the matter. No!!!! Don’t do it yet – grind it out for a while. Buy her gifts
(simple stuff at this stage) if you can and don’t call like a lonely guy whose
life is drab and uninteresting. Give her the impression that your life is fun
and exciting. Spend time with your friends too, and make her realize you have
other friends (there is more to your life and social circle). Don’t be in a
hurry to introduce her to your friends and family. It may scare her off if she
is not sure yet. Bid your time. The idea is to drag both of you to a point
where you are both dying to say – “I love you. I want you. I need you in my
life.” Asking her too soon drastically narrows the chances of hearing those
expressions. It might even mean the end of the relationship before it starts.
Don’t tell her the entire story of your life and family too soon:
Some guys have the need to impress girls by talking about themselves. “I
did this. I have this. I have that. I am this or that.” Those can only devalue
your worth because a brilliant girl knows they can only spring from a well of
inadequacy. When you have to sing your own praises and verbally brandish your
material accomplishments, even the blind can tell that you have very
little to offer intellectually and socially. If you can engage a girl and
capture her whole imagination and attention, you have no need to talk about yourself,
because you can discuss many other spheres of life and society than yourself.
By the way, how would you feel if a girl said things line; “I own this; I have
this; I won that?” Charm her with your intellect and not your personal glories.
It may even tell her that you are self-absorbed, and she may be right too. If
you must show off, then show off your intellect and not your achievements and
acquisitions. Yes, we know some girls are crazy about money and all that go
with it, but the fact that she is with you for what you have does not mean that
she loves and adores you deeply. If you ask me, I’d rather be loved and adored
beyond measure from deep within by my wife (no matter what I have or do not
have), than to be managed, endured and tolerated for what I have.
Make her laugh:
Most men fail to appreciate how simply making a girl laugh would harness
their chances of hitting it off with her. The truth is, almost every girl would
tell you the same thing. They are captivated by your ability to make them
laugh. Research has proven this too. It brings her closer to you emotionally.
It builds some kind of connection between you two when she laughs with you. It
makes her relaxed around you; makes her trust you more and feel at home in your
presence. Often, after a guy has taken time to woo a girl, most girls have
melted into the guy’s hands in a spell of laughter leading to those magical
words; “You know I really love you. I feel at home with you.” Job done!
Take an interest in little details:
Color blindness is a genetic ailment that troubles men, and is rarely
found inn women. So, when you observe every girl, you are likely to see her
color shine through. Men dress in what fits, but women go further than that;
they match colors more passionately. In fact, just about every girl has a
favorite color, which is boldly reflected in her dressing. Find out little
things like her favorite color and let that shine through when and if you do
buy her gifts. Find out her interests, he worries, her aspirations and fears.
That way, you know how to impress her, excite her, how not to scare her away,
and how to support her. If you pay attention to these subtle details rather
than preach your own biography all the time, she will certainly find you
charming, and that is more likely to harness your chances with her. She feels
assured that you have her interest at heart when she knows that you notice
little details in her life.
Don’t be childish:
Some guys are too preemptive. Once a girl smiles at them, they assume
she is in love with them. They cannot distinguish between courtesy and love.
They begin to try to dominate her life. They want to tell her what to do, how
to do it, when to do it, who to be friends with, and so on. They may even go as
far as looking through her phone perhaps at a date in a restaurant. They want
to see who else she is talking to. Seriously, that fit give you high blood pressure –it
is not worth it. If you don’t trust her, why bother? Most times, it is more
that the guy does not trust himself, so he measures her by the same parameters
he would measure himself, because of his own track record. Further, what makes
you think you can change her? Try changing yourself and see how difficult that
can be, how much more someone else. The moment you begin to throw child-like tantrums,
you are relegating yourself to a pool of classless, petty, controlling, and
drab guys she does not want to associate with. Before you know it, she will go
from “I am thinking about it” to “This is not for me. Bye and all the best!!!”
Be brave:
Even when you have done
everything right to the letter, she could still challenge your patience. This
is only a test, don’t fail it. Your charismatic nature is reflected in the way
you handle adversity. Don’t be negative when she is doing that. Don’t
throw in the towel easily and walk away. Don’t capitulate; persist like a man
with a smile on your face and the determination of a warrior at war. If you
begin to argue and complain about how she is treating you when she is doing shakara, it
makes you look immature and not up to the challenge. Tough it out! Ride
out the challenge. Do it with self-assurance and an unflappable demeanor – that
is charisma and girls find it attractive!
Even when you have observed all the rules in the book, things may still
not work out, but that is life. It may work out the next time, so carry on. In
my friend’s case, it did. She fell massively in love with him, and they are
happily married today. At the end of the day, simply be yourself – don’t fake
it. However, if you find out that some aspects of your style, behavior and/or
approach are rusty; brush up on those with some of the tips in this write-up.
Life is about growing up and finding yourself. That may take some work. Never
give up on yourself, we can all grow and shine with little work and effort here
and there. Learn how to exude charm and charisma, and you are likely to do
yourself a world of good in the dating and marriage arena. Love is a beautiful
thing!!!
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